"Love Life"

It's funny when you move to a new place. You settle in, make new friends, meet people, and if your single, you start dating. It's natural. Everyone does it. And it's fun.

Since moving here I've had to deal with this dating thing a great deal. For a while it left my in this state of utter confusion about what I should do. Should I just stay single, or should I pick one and start dating? Let's start with the candidates, shall we?

The Ex-Boyfriend:

When I moved here, he was kind enough to let me stay with him. Use his shower, sleep in his bed, eat his food, etc. And even though there was still a good amount of residule stuff, I was very good. There was hugging, but no kissing. There was cuddling, but no sex. There was a bit of flirting, but no "I love you" was ever mentioned.

The Forbidden Romance:

Something that was initially thought of as a one night stand turned into anything but. I was nervous about the situation we were in, and I was never entirely sure about what we were until it ended. I cared about him, I wanted a relationship, but that just didn't happen.

The Girl:

She's become a good friend. I didn't want to ruin that. And even if I had been interested, I know a 'Relationship' was not exactly what she had in mind.

The Friend:

My ideal situation for sparking up a relationship is to make a friend, get to know that person, and in the beginning it's really just a friendship. That's it. Someone to talk to, hang out with, watch movies with, bitch about love to. Whatever. It's Platonic. And then out of the blue, something happens. This is a person that you think

You know, this guy is so fucking awesome. Why doesn't he have a girlfriend

Why don't you ask them out?

Well, we're friends.

SO?

And after a few beers and a good movie spent cuddling and nervously holding hands, there's a kiss. It's hard to tell who leaned in first, but it's happening, and you're not about to stop it.



Aren't we fucking cute?

I need to grow thicker skin...

I have been so overwhelmed with this feeling of sadness for the past few days. I totally picked the wrong time to quit smoking, its making something that should be fairly easy relatively hard. Seeing him every day has been very awkward, even though I've been good about putting on a happy, friendly face around him. It makes me feel terrible, like I'm lying to him…

On a good note : 3 days and no cigarette. And it’s Friday. I get to see Brian this weekend, we’ll get going to a concert and doing dinner.

That’s all I got right now. Bah.

Moving right along...

What a whirl wind these past two days have been. Monday I moved into my new place (yay!), and because I promised myself I would quit smoking once I moved in, I finished my pack on Tuesday and yesterday was my first full day without smoking. Of course what made this task very difficult was the fact that I had The Talk with the guy I'd been seeing. And to top it all off, I got my period! I felt like beating things, chewing off all my nails, pulling out all of my hair... Granted I didn't, but I sure as hell thought about it.

However, I am resolved not to let this upset me. I will not hold onto this thing, what ever it was, in hopes that in a few months we'll both be in a position to where we can pick up with where we left off. That would be very foolish of me, not to mention the fact that I would almost certainly be hurt if I held on. I am not a foolish person (for the most part).

We'll see how well this works.

Coming 127.0.0.1

Ok, first off, I'm not good at blogging. I've tried to keep several journals and they always turn into just documenting what I've been doing. I'll admit I'm not very good at writing down my feelings. I think the last time I tried doing that was when I was in grade school, but my mom ended up reading through it. I'll open up to my friends when I have stuff that I need advice on, but for the most part, that's it. This book is closed kids, and if the key you have doesn't fit, then you're better off not even trying.

I don't trust people easily, which probably had a lot to do with it. But, we'll see if we can't work on that. I'm starting out in a new city. A lot has changed over the past year... Broke up with Lucas, whom I loved very dearly. But I never got a strong impression those feelings were really returned. At least not at the same pace. He was a very closed person. And that's what eventually lead to the break up. We rarely talked about anything that had to do with how we were feeling, and what was going wrong. When he left for San Francisco at the end of August, it reminded me that not matter how to try to avoid it, things change. People change. And we had changed a great deal over the 2 years we spent together.

A few months after he moved, so did I. Not to follow him, but because this was something I needed to do for myself. I had been trying to get to San Francisco on my own since I was 17. And finally I had gotten myself to a point where it was either move out of Arizona, or stay and die there. Don't get me wrong, there are things about Phoenix I do miss, but with all the changes I'd been through, what better way to start out this new direction than in a City I've always wanted to call Home.

Tomorrow I move into my own place. This is the first apartment I've had to myself since I was 19. Words cannot express how grateful I am that I can actually afford a 1 bedroom apartment in the heart of San Francisco only 4 short blocks from work.

Definitely off to a good start.